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[19 Jul 2008|08:50am] |
If you are looking for a way to lower your self-esteem, you should job search. I've been job searching for a month and I've only scored one interview. I've been thinking about where I want to live and based on my experience here in W, I've realised:
- I love the City. I miss the night life and energy of a downtown.
- I want to live near my family. For the past 5 years, I've made a point of not living at home but I think W made me realise how important they were when they were the only inividuals I could rely on when I felt so isolated.
The one thing I am not looking forward to about the city is the pressure to look fasionable and well-clothed. I cannot afford the wardrobe and I would rather spend that money on other things. The City is conducive to excessive and spontaneous spending which I am prone to given the circumstances and supply. My spine is like a deck of cards when it comes to societal pressures.
W is a retirement comunity and I feel out of place. I've tried to be more accepting of this but this fact sticks out like a sore thumb for me. Or maybe it is because there is no diversity. Upon reflection, this rings more true for me. I was born, raised and have resided in areas of diversity my entire life.
It sounds like I can't make up my mind. Trust me, this is more confusing for me than you.
On with the job search.
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[27 Apr 2008|08:50am] |
A couple of friends are visiting for the weekend.
We went out for drinks last night. It was karaoke night and what seemed like a novel song choice quickly turned sour. Note to self, fast rapping about boobs and butts is not a good idea in a small town. Our drunken slurs and giggle outbursts were met with....I don't remember. I couldn't bare to look at the crowd. The clock however....that was a nice clock.
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[26 Mar 2008|10:33pm] |
I am still working at the Beach albeit I am a little sick of this place. I'm still trying to understand if I like living here or not. I am realising more and more that this is not a black and white answer. I feel like I'm being subjected to city-withdrawal yet I feel guilty for missing the city. Somehow, I've managed to convince myself that the city is linked to all things environmentally-abusive. I know this isn't entirely accurate but my logic behind this is: more people within a smaller perimter equals more people making bad choices. Not to say that I'm leading by example.
I recognize certain characteristics which are consistent with the locals up here. They don't like people who come from the city. ESPECIALLY those who advertise it. ESPECIALLY those who proclaim it within the first 10 seconds of an introduction. To be fair, both parties are being hostile. Yet you KNOW they admire the things they hate. ie: the city kids come up for the quiet and the rural go down for the hustle.
The high school friends came up to visit 2 weekends ago. We went skiing/snowboarding for the day. I had my reservations at first since I didn't know what to expect. Originally, we had anticipated, I'm assuming a couple to tag along along with another couple who had already confirmed. Have you ever paid attention to the social tendencies of couples? Let me tell you what I've noticed. They stick together. Because it is socially safe and acceptable.
Anyway, a good time was had by all.
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[23 Nov 2007|02:40pm] |
Can you believe I’ve been working here for 6 months? I can’t! Man, I love a job. Money coming in is a million times better than sitting in a lab at school thinking about when you’re going to eat, or whether you should get that 3rd Double-double and if so, what size? I think I spent more time thinking about food than was healthy. This makes going back to school for a Master’s even harder.
Living at the Beach is interesting. I don’t miss the hustle-bustle of the City at all. I did at first when I moved up here. But I prefer the nature trails and mountains much more.
We had dinner at Megaffin’s last night, I don’t know how many bottles of wine we went through but I’m feeling it today. Holy crap. And the view from my window faces a solid ground of white shining snow…my poor eyeballs.
Something I noticed about living up here is how few Asians there are. According to Stats Can, there are 30 Asians in this town of 12,000. That’s 0.25%. From the perspective of someone who just completed 4 years of uni from an institution that was predominantly Asian, this is both astounding and weird. To sum it up as best I can, you just stand out more. A testament to this is my now roommate who knew who I was before we met cause I was the “asian chick on the bike.”
The job itself isn’t glamorous. To be curt, I’m a glorified secretary. I’m not reviewing site plans or writing reports for severance/minor variances. I write zoning compliance letters, draft up planning notices for the Town newspaper, translate planning legislation into layman’s terms for residents and listen to really angry/passionate people vent their frustrations and conspiracy theories before sending them on their way. I cringe when I think about what I do but this is a good foundation before I become a “professional.” Sometimes you need to work the low jobs in order to succeed at the higher-end jobs.
This sounds like such a load of bullcrap. I wish I wouldn’t write so snobby sometimes.
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[16 Sep 2007|09:39am] |
The neighbour invited me over for a glass of wine last night. Here's what happened:
I walk through the door and a man is sitting on a tall stool in a short bathrobe, it JUST covers his genitals and threatens to spread open at any moment. The belt isn't enough to fasten around his stomach. My eyes are perched on his face all night and I am afraid to look below his waist. This man is the neighbours boss.
Introductions are made all around.
For the next half hour, the two fight about the right temperature to cook the pork.
Then the neighbours brother comes over. Puts a DVD on. It's a joint concert of Earth, Wind & Fire/Chicago. The 3 men are elated. They're dancing and know all the lyrics. I'm afraid for the man in the bathrobe. Chest is revealed and I think he managed to throw open the gown a couple of times when I wasn't looking.
I leave to check on my laundry. I come back and the neighbour is missing. Aparently, he's having an affair and comes up to this weekend getaway on a regular basis for that purpose.
Later on in the night the brother is promising me sex that will blow my mind. And I quote "you will come knocking on my door for more." Ahem. I think this is where I threw my head back and laughed like a hyena.
Interesting night, interesting neighbours eh?
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[06 Sep 2007|06:26pm] |
It's official, I've been hired for an additional 15 months. Was this wise of me?
I had the interview yesterday. I didn't do any prep. I was that confidant. Turns out they had 3 pages of questions for me: technical questions, scenarios and the typical. The interview went on for 2 hours. When I saw the stapled pages I thought: SHEEET!
To be fair, the interview for my previous position was a breeze. They didn't ask me any urban planning. They picked me up from the bus station. They chased after me in a car to buy me lunch, tried to convince me to take the job and sat me in an office for 3 hours with the yellow pages and a phone so I could find rent.
The pro of the new job is the car I get to drive. The inner environmentalist within me strongly objects. But then the thought of sharing a small apartment with a large golden retriever makes me reconsider. So are thoughts of nights when I walked to the grocery store with a petty knapsack in the dead of winter. Or the times I walked home in my holed boots. Besides, the ski hills are 30km down the road. This opportunity is too sweet to pass up. How about this for a compromise, I’ll drive but I won’t enjoy it. The bike's been great but I welcome this car with open arms.
I am having a hard time trying to figure out if the feelings I have for someone are mutual. Am I just a friend? How do you figure this out without asking? How do I know I'm not being led on?
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[08 Aug 2007|09:01pm] |
Went to the bar the other night, ran into creepy-old-man again. This time he didn't ask me if I wanted to sleep with him in French. The nice couple joined us afterwards. We drank, smoked some...stuff. Met a native dealer who offered me 200 native-rolled cigarettes for the sale price of $18. Had the following conversation with a 50-year old Kroatian with poor English:
Matt: Vanessa, I take you home
Me: No you're not
Matt: No, you dun't hear me, I take you home in my truck
Me: What?
Matt: You put bike in my trrruc and I drive you home, no harass, yes?
Then we went to the midway drunk on beer. The men shot middle fingers at one another on the ferris wheel ride like they were shotguns. Sat on the porch and got bitten alive by the mosquitoes. Went to work the next day feeling like crap.
What'll happen this week?
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[22 Jul 2007|09:57pm] |
Still alive and well. Actually, I'm doing a lot better. The first month was awful. I didn't know anyone, took a while to warm up to the co-workers and had a hard time figuring out what the fuck I was supposed to be doing at my job.
But I've got a routine now, I have a gym membership, I play softball/baseball on the weekends...it's much better. Life is exciting again.
Went to the beach yesterday and a guy offered me a drink in exchange for the permission to sit next to me. We talked and the whole thing was just very flattering. But when we compared our age, changed the ambiance of the entire conversation. 14 year difference!
I went to the locals bar on Wednesday. In fact, I'm just going to post the e-mail I sent to Jeff and Jenika the morning after. It captures it best. I warn you, you might have to backtrack some parts, writting this felt like I was cramming a Harry Potter plot into a movie:
Went to Studs, the locals bar. Invited myself to a table of 2 guys. All of us were strangers who didn't know anyone and were there for the summer. And it was coincidence that we invited ourselves to the table. One of the guys is an Irishman with a thick accent, the other is a 30-year old pizza thrower/trucker. Later on in the night, a large group of people including a nice couple sat next to us and invited us to join their table. The typical questions were asked: where are you working? what school did you go to? how old are you?...upon hearing that I was working as a SP, a 60-year old man poured his tale of woe regarding the plot lines of his property. He was schmoozing me up. He was buying me beers, giving me chicken wings. The pizza thrower kept hitting on me, insisting he was telling everyone I was his girlfriend and if that was alright.
Eventually, the party moved to this old man's home (5 minute walk away). Here, he thrust bottles of beer and shots of vodka in my hands. I was so flustered (or drunk) I lit the filter of my smoke. The old man dragged me to his sideyard where I found a stake in the ground and rope illustrating the property lines. He was pulling and grabbing me, trying to feel me. I had to fling his arms off. I was pissed. The creep tried to feed onion to the couple's cat. The lady got mad cause its supposed to make the cat really sick if they ingested it. The party minus the creep moved to the couple's home who lived next door. The couple who lived in this house had 2 children, about my age. They treated us to unlimited cigarettes and we drank more beer. The mom took me on a brief tour around her home showcasing her daughter's paintings. While smoking outside, I had a fight with the dad cause he was saying immigrants should give up their heritage and adopt ours, and he was smashing the Beatles and gays. So then the kids rescued us (the Irishman and I) and said we were going to a party at a campsite. It was lame. 3 guys sitting around a fire high as a kite. So we left and went back to the bar. Realised I lost my 10. We all shared a pitcher before they closed. Went to the beach. Stripped our pants and waded in our underwear. Have you ever tried wading out in a lake at night? You feel like you're about to walk into a wall any minute. It was cool. Then the Irishman opened his store for us so we could hang out. But the store was so dark that everyone was tripping and making a mess. Did I mention he works at my favourite store? It was cool. Then we walked back, I got my bike, biked home in the dark (sparse street lights) and got into bed at 4:30AM.
The best part, I only spent 6 bucks that night, if you don't count the 10 dollar bill I lost.
I woke up at 7:45AM JUST in time for work.
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[16 Jun 2007|09:25pm] |
People here are very fond of yard sales. I passed 5 of them alone today. And people go to these. Back home, a garage sale is a wasted effort.
I lost my planning ring yesterday (a ring that is given as a gift to its graduands, kind of like engineering). I was distraught. So I bought a jumbo can of beer that cost me less than $2, brought my book and lied across a shady bench by the beach. I felt infinitely better. I think I'm going to have to do that again tomorrow.
I convocated on Wednesday. I spent some extra time at the beach the weekend before in the goal of creating that lustrous healthy glow, but overdid it...I looked like California Barbie. And I burnt. And then I drank a lot of expired milk. And felt like a cat vomitted in my mouth the next day.
One of my favourite segments from A Softer World.
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| Goodbye undergrad, hello uncertain future! |
[18 Apr 2007|05:12pm] |
I handed in my last undergraduate assignment of my life minutes ago and to commemorate, a breakdown of the memorable 4 years (thanks Mattism):
YEAR ONE
My obsession with dyeing and styling my short hair
Lived in Eby Hall residence and hating it
Having my own room without siblings for the first time in my life…I am amazed with this concept of privacy
Stop Action photography with Nance and Laura
Gaining 15 pounds
Surprise birthday party, lured me into the woods
In denial about my program and thought about switching to Ottawa U for Criminology
Volunteering for Warrior weekends and feel like a loser for it but keep doing it. Drag roommates into doing it with me
Drag roommates into everything I do cause if I don’t I feel like I don’t care about them
Barfing a trail on the carpet in residence, in front my don’s door and my roommates picking up after me…I am embarrassed and don’t know how to repay them
Feeling like a million bucks cause I’m in university
First paying job at UW is WESEF
Worked 3 summer jobs: telemarketing, painting houses, camp counselor at a camp for the disabled…made absolutely no cash
Becoming familiar with Markham transit and hate suburbs
YEAR TWO
My obsession with short hair is perpetuated by self-administered cuts…it is clear I used dull scissors and didn’t have a clue what I was doing
Living in Wellsley residence and scoring the handicap suite
Meet Pat, Spencer, Lisa and Pita. Thus begins the Chinese social circle and my introduction to all things Asian at UW
Jenika leaves for university
Taking squishy face pictures
Many late nights playing with people on our floor leading to bad marks
Love affair for alcohol and going out begins
Frosh leader for Orientation week and winning/tieing arm-raised competition
Unhappiness
Join Badminton club, meet JP (are you still reading this?)
Obsessed with working out and losing weight
Computer died and I lose all my work around exams (fall term)
Contract Shingles around exams (winter term)
Bad marks
Hate kids and marriage
Extensive volunteering: Warrior weekends, Imprint
Worked at Environment Canada in Gatineau Quebec and loved it
Montreal trip with Josie
Started plucking my armpit hairs and can’t stop
Lived in a bachelor apartment and realized the joys of living alone
The Eegore Project, our search for worthy men on campus and never getting the guts to speak to him
YEAR THREE
Get booted out of co-op cause of bad marks from year two
Motivated to raise my marks and raise GPA 8%
Love affair for Bomber begins
Oktoberfest for the first time WITHOUT the parents
Going out every night for 2 weeks as a start-off to fall and winter terms
Begin to live at 250 Lester, meet Justin the best roommate to date
Introduced to weed
Living at DC library and putting in insane hours to bring up my marks
Grand-father passes away, don’t know how to deal with it, cry a lot
Make lots of friends
Hallowe’en party at Shakespeare house and Dave taking care of me. I am so thankful, it becomes awkward
Nance and Ro’s gingerbread twins
Meet Gustav and can’t bring myself to speak to the international Swedish students for the next 4 months
Volunteer commitments I can finally be proud of: ESS, PSA, WESEF
I’m happy
Decide to minor in French…this is a mistake
PSA bowling for the first time
Mom thinks I’m a lesbian
Ski trip to Bluemountain
Scored a job at the bookstore and am embarrassed for it
Meeting Dom and Kirsten
Treeplanted for the summer (meeting L-on)
Biked across Canada, hated and loved it
Grand-mother passes away
Soundtrack of my summer: rock and the Go! Team
YEAR FOUR
Still living at 250 Lester and meet Swatti
Coming back with a tan and muscles
Jeffrey enters university
OMB course
Lose a lot of sleep and lots of stress
Volunteer extensively
WESEF Chair and shave 10 years off my life from the stress in maintaining it
Hallowe’en: Ipod costume
Mara’s visits to Toronto and Waterloo
Growing my hair out…giving in to social pressure
The Miracle Lab
Living in the Miracle Lab and meeting Matt, my dreamy study buddy
Freight Planning course, one of the best and hardest courses I’ve ever taken
Eating healthy for the first time in university, realizing what a healthy diet is like since I moved away from home
Hermiting, marks are everything. I have no other motivation in school
PSA bowling and drunken poses with my profs
Pita’s birthday at K-Zone
Furnace going out and sleeping at school and scrounging for free food around the filthy design studio
Stressed beyond belief about finding a job
Learn to budget…finally
After reading this list and comparing it to Matt’s, I realize how different it is. His list references his friends. Mine doesn’t. I miss the comfort of a familiar social crew but I think given the way I’ve been raised (lots of moving), I don’t know how to create that kind of relationship.
Goodbye Waterloo.
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[07 Apr 2007|11:31am] |
A DAY IN MY LIFE
(An e-mail to my b and s. Why do I get the impression that I'm reading a suicide note, a very delirious suicide note)
I'm at school and I think I'm gonna sleep here. Know why? Cause the furnace is shat! It won't let us turn on the heat. And it's snowing outside! We think the thermostat ran out of batteries but to replace it you have to take it off the wall? We are domesticated students who have absolutely no knowledge of this kind of thing. We are useless when anything screws up. GAH!
We wanted to save money by turning down the heat but this isn't right! My fingers are numb.
ANYWAY! I just wanted to share the worst sleep of my life. It was last night. It was like my first night of treeplanting, the idea of changing into clothes seemed ridiculous, too cold to even get out of bed. I layered on 3 shirts and a heavy jacket, wore heavy sweat pants and socks. And I was shivering, closest I came to sleep was shutting my eyes. I was miserable. The vents are breathing cold air. It's colder in our house than outside. Fuck you house. I have no food at home so I've been scrounging around the school for food. And this sounds hobboish but I've been pretty successful. Found a tim Horton's box of tarts and bars, 4 pop-tarts, an apple, nutri-grain bars. Of course, this stuff has absolutely no nutritional value but it fills! I bought a salad today and it cost me 4.23...I felt robbed. Grocery shopping tomorrow ya yah.
How cute is Dahlia? Hahahah I want to sqweeeesh her and play with her and put my face really close and smell her. She's so fat eh?!
OK that's all, it's 4:11AM and I'm almost finished my assignment so that I can start on another and study for an exam due the same day. YAY! WHOOO MEEE!!!
There's a couple here. They won't leave. They're very secretive. They speak Korean and only Korean. They're always here. I. Hate. Them. No one is allowed to be here this late BUT ME! I OWN THIS LAB!
Ok I'm really done this time.
I'm going to watch the sunrise...by watching this computer screen.
See you...NEVER!
ADFJKSDFJSD:LFJKSDRKL:JS:RLJK
Yu-Hay
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[20 Feb 2007|04:49pm] |
The injustice of the suburbs kills me. THIS is why I refuse to live at home. I'm trapped! Inefficient transit, no bike-friendly lanes, obesity...ARGH! It makes my blood boil.
It isn't right when someone is discouraged to visit friends who drove up 5 hours from Montreal just because of the shitty bus schedule. A bus that comes around every half-hour? A 30-minute walk-out? $2.75 for fare?!?! AND a student fare that applies strictly to U of T students and Toronto residents? Don't you people realise that you'll be making MORE money if you encourage transit to the suburban crowd AND reducing road congestions? Maybe I'm being pretentious here but from the perspective of the starving, stir-crazy student...it really blows goat balls.
People who chose not to drive shouldn't be punished this way! We should be rewarded for our zealous ambitions! Fucking suburbs. I HATE YOU! Wow...that came off like teenage angst. All of a sudden, I've slipped back into the 14-year old persona I've been trying to shed.
My post-undergraduate future is murky. But upon further encouragement from Jenika, I've set aside a little place in my heart for a 2-month long bike trip to Russia. The organizer has organized an ambitious itinerary: 170km / day!!! Just thinking about it makes my calf muscles squirm. For you non-bikers, that's a tough goal!
Do I really want to go through all that again? I don't know.
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[11 Feb 2007|11:46pm] |
I spent the day writting a paper simultaneously recovering from a sloppy night out. It's hard to concentrate on litterature about the railway industry and the Canadian economy when flashes of embarassing moments cripple your thought processes and the cup of coffee you just downed is making your GI Tract...do its job *ahem*
I'm typing and my face contorts, like you do when you smell something disagreeable. A disgusted grunt, my head knocks back from the memory slap and I spend the next 30 minutes convincing myself that it wasn't THAT bad, you're not remembering the WHOLE story here Van! You couldn't have done that...would you? Did I really throw my arms into the air, shoved my arm pits in D's face and proceed to ask him if I had pit stains? Oh geez, maybe? I don't know!
I got my graduation pictures taken. $200 for some glossy paper with me all over it? Shit on that!
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[09 Jan 2007|12:23am] |
With no work to busy myself for the past couple of days, I was at a loss with my free time. Everything I'd ever wanted to do no longer seemed worthy. The overwhelming grief I felt...I couldn't understand it. So I watched television. Man, I love tv. I think if my parents hadn't created limits, I would've been an overweight lard ball. I joked with my roomates that I loved tv more than my siblings when I was small. Little did they know I wasn't kidding. TV was my life, everything you needed to know in the world wrapped in a beautiful square.
But I am relieved to say that I resume my regular schedule this week. And my driver's license expired, which means NO MORE BARS. What am I going to do? I don't need to go out. I need to save money that's what.
Anyone feeling unfulfilled lately? This isn't a cry for help, just a general observation. You're all unfulfilled. Just today in particular. Something about the poo smell in the air.
There's a networking dinner tomorrow night. Disaster in the making! But I go cause there's going to be free food. Can I be this cheap and ruthless when I'm raking in the dough? I sure hope so!
Here, have a picture of me and some horse's butts (picture taken by Mara)
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[04 Dec 2006|11:08am] |
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A quick post before I leave for class....I'm feeling really good about myself today! Just thought everyone should know! I'm looking forward to going home, a potential trip to Montreal to visit the family maybe? Whatever it is, it's alright!
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[02 Nov 2006|01:08am] |
I was the ipod commercial.
[Picture taken by Lisa]
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[30 Oct 2006|11:58pm] |
I took a nap in the coffee shop before the PSA meeting. I think I woke myself up by farting? I let 2 brrrps out before I realised what happened and squeezed the ass cheeks. Then I fell back asleep. There were people in the room. And I drooled a nice pool on my shoulder too. Must be midterm time.
My roomate insists on setting me up with her friend. From the sounds of it, the match couldn't be worst. The guy sounds like a real piece of work. I'd look like I rolled out of bed standing next to him. No thanks.
You know what I miss? The long talks with someone special before I go to bed.
Mixing vermouth and tonic water tastes pretty good. Mixing cheezy sticks and beer into it isn't.
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[23 Oct 2006|11:26pm] |
I was considering phasing this journal out but I've invested too much time and effort to do that. Yes, I am embarassed by my entries but like J and I discussed, you usually post when you're feeling exceptionally neurotic and bitchy. So what I'm saying is I'm a normal person, believe me!
So I'm back at school for the year, my FINAL undergrad year. I wish I could enjoy myself but there's too much shit to think about. What to do after I'm done, what if I don't get into the grad school I want (and there's only one real choice for me out there), job, loan...the "real world." The typical pressures one creates for themselves and the forseen disappointment in not meeting the former. Bloop bleep boop. You know. Whatevers. Which reminds me, I'm sick of hearing people refer to the "real world." You're just encouraging students to rid themselves of responsibility (I'm not talking about the ones with 3 jobs and full course loads). If anything, these are the most influential years in terms of money-management. The Generation Xers already have a problem with spending. We're just going to be reinstating the same irresponsible habits. If you can't afford it, don't buy it!
But I'm getting side-tracked here. What I really need to do is go to bed cause I have 8:30 class tomorrow morning. Good night!
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[18 Sep 2006|04:14pm] |
It's back to school for me. BARF.
I don't really know what to write about but I'm feeling nostalgic for the summer so here are some pictures from treeplanting (not taken by me). The ones from the bike tour can be found in the previous post. I know I said I'd never go back. The conditions were shit, long hours, back-breaking labour...I even wrote a note to myself telling me to NEVER GO BACK. But the parties, the summer flings/crushes, the food, the days we had good land, the wacky people you meet. A true love-hate relationship:
( Click for pictures of treeplanting )
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[05 Sep 2006|11:26pm] |
Unfortunately, the bike tour has ended prematurely for various reasons. The main one being our (tree planters) lack of MONEY. I could’ve borrowed money from the parents but really, it’s MY problem and if I ever want to learn to be financially independent, sacrifices need to be made (for the record, I squeezed every penny, dime and nickel I had). But we did pretty well. I clocked in some sweet speeds…they are in my eyes anyway (average speed: 25 km/h, 100km in 4 ½ hours). The guys did even better (average speed: 30 km/h on flat lands).
Total kms biked: ~5000 km
Total kms to bike across Canada: ~8000km
Afterwards, I spent a week in Montreal with family who fruitfully inflated that already-ridiculous-mass that is my ego and met up with mom, dad, Jenika and Jeffers (they were treeplanting in Québec).
( Click for pictures from the tour )
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